Dear Ciara

I've started this same post so many times now, I just don't know how to write it, how to give it the perfection it deserves, but this time I'm going to finish it, for you.

I met you last year, but it wasn't just any time - it was a little over 9 months ago, in Barretstown, on August 4th. You made my summer of 2009 that extra bit special, Barretstown truly was the greatest 10 days of my life and you made it that way. How many memories can one have from 10 days? The answer, and you and I both know is a lifetimes worth. Remember when everyone was terrified to go on the high ropes course, by the time most of us had even attempted it, you'd already reached the top, blindfolded? The courage you showed in everything you did was just astounding, you never let things get in your way. The Barretstown song, is so apt these days "Be Happy, Be Strong, Be Courageous, And Sing This Song"- and that's exactly what I'm doing, I haven't stopped singing. And our bananas, the perfect banana you drew in honour of our group on our poster? The banana revolution that began there? Or when we did our comic strips? I read our comic today - Sarah, You & I, and I was in the pig costume? We had so much fun :) The photos of me dressed in the massive pig costume, and I had my lovely purple wellies on underneath! The two of us were so eager to wear our wellies all the time, just as a matter of principle even though the weather was so good, we still managed to get away with it and swanned around wellie style [all in the name of fashion]. You were so caring, I so vividly remember, you being the one to help anyone and everyone, and you left a lasting impression on everyones hearts after Barretstown. Every morning you'd be having hissy fits about the Germans who'd attack you at night in their language, and we'd share the nights insanities. We spent 10 lovely days together - the 6 Irish: Colette, Sarah, Shauna, Niamh, You & I - along with the CITs whom we made great friends with. You & I made very good friends with the CITs. Departing Barretstown on August 13th was so emotional, knowing that experiencing anything living up to those 10 days would be hard again! During those 10 days, we conquered high ropes, fishing, comic strips, horse riding, singing & dancing. Everytime I hear a Barretstown song, I'll think of the amazing 10 days we spent together, little did I know Barretstown would mark the beginning & end...

After Barretstown our friendship grew from strength to strength. A week later, we met at the CanTeen AGM, where we had a great day under the glorious sunshine, scoffing pizza [it was no popcorn in your eyes but you made do!]. We text & talked, and our next major event together was Roscommon. I think that only one memory can clearly sum up this weekend, and I've watched this video so much the past few days and it's brought a smile to my face everytime - Eternal Flame. Shauna, Aideen, You & I were the backing singers. Remember when we all had to keep rushing to the bathroom during practice because we couldn't stifle our laughs any longer, we pretended we all had bladder problems, but really we just couldn't keep a straight face. And then the performance, well that just summed it all up. If only you'd taken centre stage, you could've dazzled us all with your performance, instead we settled for clicking, clapping and chorus's in the background. When we melted the chocolate in the nappy, Sarah, Marianne, You & I, you sacraficed your bar all in the name of practical jokes, and the joy and laughs we had from all our jokes lives strong in my mind.

I hadn't seen you for ages. A whole four weeks. I remember when I heard your cancer had returned I was devestated. I was coming in to visit you in Crumlin when I got a call and was told you had just got even worse news, not to come. I sat with Sarah that night and we willed you to be okay, we prayed, we laughed and we remembered. That day I sent you my first letter, I had to tell you how much I love you, and I know how much you love receiving post. We text and you got that little bit stronger, you started radiotherapy, but you never once complained, your letters always show glowing optimism & always explained the little tricks you were playing. You were there for me to talk to whenever I needed, I shared the goss of Celbridge with you, and you told me all about everything going on with you :) You got to spend Christmas at home and that was the main thing, every letter coming up to Christmas gave me an updated day count & your requested present list grew each time, as you said yourself you were "quite the excited puppy". We had lovely times together over the next couple of months, in person, text, email, MSN, letter, and even sometimes just mind read messages ;)

Then came our final meeting, of course at the time I was oblivious to this, but it was so special anyways, our return to Barretstown. Sarah, You & I, our families [including the wonderful Doria] all went for a weekend to Barretstown. Even though you were tired, you never complained and you took part in so much, you didn't need to be told twice, to hop into those canoes, you were in them like a shot, 'bipping' and 'bopping' our ways around the lake. The dancing, well it lived up to all expectations of Barretstown :) The final day when you were leaving, I gave you a LiveStrong bracelet from the Lance Armstrong Foundation. You really loved it and the final letter I ever received from you a few short weeks later, explained how much hope, optimism & strength it gave you. The yellow band sitting on my wrist right now, represents to me your hope, your optimism and your strength, and will forever remain on my wrist. You even scoured the Internet for stories and you told me that you were a new you, positive about the future. The past few weeks you hadn't been well, I knew that. I saw on your Twitter & you hadn't replied to any of my mails, or texts, it wasn't like you at all, you were always so diligent at replying, but I never thought it'd end this way.

On May 15th at 5.30pm my world came crashing down around me, I felt like I was in a neverending tube, my feet slipping away from under me, I felt as if someone had slammed a brick on my stomach, that hard to breathe feeling. I felt that feeling in my heart, the pitfall, the breaking of my heart, the disintegration of it into minute pieces. You were dying, the shingles had worsened, and the tumours had entangled your body, too much for it to bear. You died that evening, peacefully at 8.15pm. I hope you weren't in pain, but I know now that you won't be suffering anymore, and that's the only peace I can get from this situation. I went to the Celbridge X-Factor, and even though I looked so happy, you know I wasn't, it was all a front, it was denial of the situation on one hand, but on the other I was trying to cover up my heartbreak. I didn't find out about your death until Sunday morning, Saturday night was a restless one anyway, I spent the night, praying for you, willing a miracle to occur, but little did I know it was too late.

I spent Sunday with Sarah, you were watching over us, I could feel your presence with us all day. When I sat on her swing in the garden listening to the wind, I could almost hear your voice whispering in my ear. I tried to keep upbeat for the day, and you saw that when we put the pole through Sarah's window, it was a distraction, anything to will myself out of the nightmare we were all faced with, our friend, you were gone. We ordered lots of pizza and scoffed it all for you, we spent the day looking at your Facebook & then we watched Britain's Got Talent, all wrapped in the cosy blanket, but nothing could get you out of our minds.

On Monday morning Sarah & I took the train to Limerick, where we met Colette & Shauna. The whole day was surreal, the car journies. We went to visit you at your house. I'd sent so many letters to that address, I never thought the first time I'd be there, you'd be gone, that I'd be sitting watching your coffin, instead of sitting, beside you laughing and watching a DVD, or listening to music. You'd want Beyonce first, but I'd fight for The Script, we'd settle on Danny first, just because he was so beautiful ;) When I saw you in the coffin, you looked so beautiful, like usual, except this time your gorgeous eyes were closed like you were sleeping. You had the prettiest dress on, I learnt on Monday, it was your favourite dress. You were surrounded by so many photographs, it was beautiful, your family - Dolores & Barry, and especially Doria & Nina, put everything into making your send off extra special. Your parents were so comforting, even in their time of loss, they were so strong, I know you were with them, with us all helping us through. I'm sorry I couldn't cry at your coffin, the whole situation took a hold of me, inside you know my heart was bleeding for you. The hardest part was holding your hand, I held it, like we've done so many times before, except this time you didn't hold it back, something inside me waited longingly for you to squeeze my hand back, but I knew you couldn't, you're in a better place now, and some day we'll meet again, and I'll reach out and hold your hand tight like I did on Monday, but this time you'll squeeze back and we'll embrace, we'll be reunited forever. I met some of your friends, they were so nice, I even spoke to some later on Facebook. They were so strong. That night, we looked at your Bebo page, and all the photos and it brought great joy to Colette, Shauna & I remembering all the great times we had together. That night was another sleepless night.

Tuesday morning we all rose bright and early, and dressed ourselves for your final goodbye. We wanted to look well, we longed to impress you, as we knew you'd be surveying our fashion choices. When we arrived at the church, I was given the Prayer of the Faithful I was going to read during the Mass. It was the greatest honour in the world to be involved in your funeral. I sat with your friends - Ciara C, Jack & Lauren for the whole Mass. They gave me pearls to wear in your honour, and I haven't taken them off since. We held on to each other, we helped each other through. Sarah, Marianne, Colette, Shauna & your friend Darragh brought up gifts to represent your life - your running shorts, your Juicy Couture bag, your Chanel book, artwork you'd done and of course one of your school friends placed the most important gift of all up - your much loved popcorn, it wouldn't have felt right without it. Ennis Cathedral was packed to the brim, I've never seen so many people and they were there to honour you, you made such a difference in so many people's lives, and even some people couldn't make it, they wanted to be though, and that's the main thing. The funeral was beautiful, a real celebration of your life. Doria & Nina, did the most heartwarming speech ever, they captured your life so well, they didn't forget any aspect and they did themselves, you and the whole family proud. Your choir did you so proud, and when they sang Snow Patrol's Run I couldn't help but flood the church. It was a solid hour and a half before the end of the line to offer condolences to your family was reached, I'm telling you the church was just packed. Your schoolmates stood outside the whole time, forming a guard of honour, waiting for your coffin to come out, they were so good. You'd be so proud. Your friends were so good to all of us, they made us feel so apart of their grieving community, I know you did that too, you were so good getting people to mix together like that, you brought us together in our time of need. I stood with your coffin in the church, and it was so hard to let go, I felt that if I let go, it'd be the end, but I know it's not, i know that you're with me right now watching me write this, wiping away my tears. But as Sarah says "It's not goodbye, it's a see you later".

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

There were two herses, one just wasn't enough to carry all the flowers everyone had brought in your honour.
We walked just a small bit up the road, but I would've walked the whole 6 miles to the graveyard for you. As our car travelled behind the herse, we talked about how much you'd love it, it was your very own VIP day, it was all about you. The burial was lovely, the graveyard is so pretty, I'm going to come and visit, I promise. Flowers were thrown in on your coffin, and so was a CanTeen t-shirt, because we want you to remember that you were such a big part of all our lives, I know you loves us all so much, and everyone told us how much you looked forward to coming to the events, just like I do. Don't worry you're an eternal member now. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay with your friends & family forever, I wanted to share our memories of you and recall all the times spent together, but I had to come home, return to reality after saying goodbye to everyone in the small village of Quin. I travelled home in Sarah's car, and we both had Run on repeat on our iPods, we want to stay close to you forever. And we will.

This coming Saturday, Sarah & I, and our families and friends are taking part in the Superhero Fun Run in aid of St.John's Ward in your honour. We ordered t-shirts to commemorate you, and you're going to shine brightly in our hearts as we complete it. Some of your friends from Clare are hoping to come too, as are some of your family, everyone wants your memory to live on forever. And believe me, it will. I promise you that. Everytime I hear Run, I'll think of you. Everytime I see the sun shine, I'll remember your beaming smile. I know you read my blog before, and I know you're reading it over my shoulder right now. You even set up your own blog recently called "C the Bright Side" - and that's what you always did. I'll keep in contact with all your friends, because they share the same heartache as we all do now. We all want to remember you. You were so special. You were one of a kind. No Mary-Kate & Ashley, they came in twos, you were unique. I will help keep your memory alive until one day we are reunited, and on that day promise you'll squeeze my hand back and you'll embrace me? Watch over me too, althought I have felt your presence these past few days. I'll try not to cry, because I know you want us all to be happy, you always do.

Ciara Conroy, you came into my life and changed it for the better. We didn't have much time together, but it was enough to leave a footprint embedded in my heart forever. I'll try and do you proud for the rest of my days, until we are reunited. That's a promise, I'll write to you often, and think about you always.

Ciara Conroy, I will love you forever.

5th March 1994 - 15th May 2010

I promise I'll keep smiling for you girl, I'll never wipe it off my face. And I'll look after everyone too. You're my perfect angel, guiding me & protecting me, I won't let you down. I'll live on in your memory.

Pass on a Smile for Ciara,

LiveStrong,

Karen x